House With a View

We visited the house this week. The sheet rock should be going up within a few days. Fun. After that appointment we had a picnic dinner at the park of the sudvision that we are moving to. They have a nice play ground for the kids and a very nice lake with a walking/horseback riding trail.

Feeding the ducks.

A horseshoe print that Natalya said looked like a heart.

Labels: Exploring life, Home Building 101

A Mother's Dream

So I woke up this morning and had my morning Google Reader fix. I found that Melody at Slurping Life had posted about a Mothers and Daughters Blog Carnival by Sarah of Real Life. I am a mother of daugthers, two gorgeous ones, so I decided to join in. It's extremely personal, though. And that's not like me. So here goes:

We struggled with infertility like gazillions of families today. I considered myself lucky when we had our first daughter. She was born beautiful. And of course I called her "Angel Face". She was not only beautiful but she turned out to be the EASIEST child to raise (OK, after the first few months of very tiring nights.) She never complained and never wandered and never (I mean never) said "No". I thought, "What's all the fuss about. This parenting thing is easy." And still today she is the sweetest child anyone could meet.

Of course we wanted more. At least one more. We stared infertility in the face again, I gave myself the shots, and I grimaced at the megazillions of doctor's appointments, toting my poor daughter along. After 2 1/2 years of wanting, we had our second beautiful girl. Two girls. My dream come true. Or was it?

I loved my first born immensely. Nothing could compare. I looked at her everyday and knew this was me. This was why I was here. Of course every mother says that but I truly felt it in my most inner being. So when we started trying for our second I was a little torn. No, a lot torn. How could I love another child as much as I love my first? And again, every mother says that. But I truly felt it in my most inner being. I wasn't worried that it was working. I thought, "OK, I'll go through the motions but no big deal. Maybe next month." And when next month came and still nothing. Still felt the same. Maybe I don't want another. "This next child can't compare. How could he/she live up to what I already have?" It couldn't.

And then I secretly started hoping for a boy. Ooooh, if I had a boy it would be different. I could love him differently and inherently everything would be different. Different parts, different likes, different ways of loving. Want a boy, want a boy... "Looks like it will be a girl. Congratulations!" Wow... A girl... Yea, thanks... Hmmm.

So I carried her in my womb knowing it was a girl. All these months I tried to imagine what life would be like with her on the sideline. I tried to imagine how she would fare as second best. I tried to imagine myself holding a child that was not my Angel Face. I slapped myself in the face everyday thinking, "How could a MOTHER think such horrible things?"

And then she was born. And all of a sudden, the most fantastic, most incredible, most spiritual thing happened. I did love her. I did LOVE her. And she was beautiful. And she held my hand. And I cried. I brought home my second baby girl and I cried again. How could I have wasted all those months of not loving her? I felt ashamed. I did not feel worthy. I felt the lowest low of any lows. I promised her that I would make it up to her. That all the time that we lost would me made up and it would be as if it didn't happen at all. It was my dream come true after all.

I had always dreamed of having two girls. I grew up with a sister and I have so many fun memories of growing up with her. That's what I always considered perfect. Now being the mother of two girls is my fairy tale. They are both so different and I know that was on purpose. My second is definitely more spicy and adventurous and full of all of the challenges that I didn't get to experience with our first. I think they are both equipped with characteristics to help them face their future challenges as girls. And I think that I am helping them face those challenges with dignity and pride.

Still today I wonder what it would have been like to have had a boy. I really can't imagine it. Sometimes I still don't think I'm worthy of the love my girls give me everyday. But I will always make sure that they know that they are worthy of the love that we give them. And I hope that I can be the mother that they would have dreamed of. I was meant to be the mother of two girls. From my most inner being, I believe it now.

3 Days and Counting

Yesterday was a good school prep day. Both girls had their open houses, Vienne in the morning and Natalya in the evening. Vienne loved her new school. The teachers were warm and welcoming. And how could you hate a classroom that was FULL of toys? I think she's gonna like it there.
Natalya was in aw the whole time we were at her school. It seems so big to me since her kindergarten was in a small private school (they brought the lunch to their classrooms and there were only 7 students.) I was a little in aw too. It brought back some memories walking into the library and the cafeteria. Natalya sat in her desk and to her it was the just as fun as opening Christmas presents. As we were leaving she said, "I wish I had homework to do tonight." I love her.

Vienne pretending to be Handy Manny.

THE desk, with a cubby. Sweet.

And Me at the end of the day.

Labels: Cherishing Life

Not for Emotionally Unstable Moms

Today the girls and I went to see the movie Arctic Tale. From the makers of March of the Penguins, this movie follows the lives of a baby walrus and a baby polar bear from birth to adulthood. Natalya has always been fascinated with animals and loves watching Animal Planet. So it was no surprise that she took to this movie very well. Vienne was disappointed that it wasn't a cartoon and now says, "I don't like the polar bear movie." I found it very enjoyable, amazingly shot, and very educational. The underlying lesson for the movie was global warming and the effects it is having on the habitat of these animals and ultimately us. That's all I need for a movie of this kind.

What I didn't need this week was a heart wrenching tale of losing babies (in a couple of ways) and the story of making your way through life with one too many life threatening situations. My baby is off to school next week for her first time. I think I'm feeling a lot like the mama polar bear. Did you know that polar bears stay with their moms until they turn 3 at which time they are sent away to survive on their own with nothing but the the lessons they have learned from their MOM!? OMG! Vienne is 3 and that's what I'm doing next week! I'm sending her out saying, "This is when your life changes."

OK, a little dramatic. And she may not encounter many fierce boy polar bears. But I, like so many Moms, hope that my children take with them the lessons that they have learned at home so that they know how to deal with the difficult situations in life. I feel like I've gone the distance to see that they are fed, and to make sure that they are warm and sheltered, and I comfort them when they are ill (sniff, you won't be prepared for that scene.) I hope that it is these things that ground my children and help lead them to the happy life that they are destined for.

My baby cub will be fine I'm sure. But I can't help but think that the mama bear still, after saying her good byes, hopes that they think of her when they are gone. And that they return to her with wonderful stories to tell.

(BTW, they are offering free screenings of this movie. Visit the website for details.)

Labels: Cherishing Life

Pic of the Day